Business Women of America!

Some of you may be invited to fancy dinners because you’re “smart” or “dress well” and “represent the company image.”

Some of us may never have your skills.

What we do have is an un-flagging commitment to time-wasting on the Internet. Which one day will take us into the inner executive sanctum when the CEO wants us to impress someone from Trenton, NJ.

By talking about the Flyers and Eagles all dinner long.

So keep your MBA, I’ll be over here on Deadspin and PD.

Next time we play Never Have I Ever

Here’s how you win and get me super drunk

  • Peed on the street
  • Peed on a pier
  • Puked inside a taxi
  • Had a threesome
  • Slept with a married man
  • Got caught by a spouse
  • Had a threesome with a married man (not with his wife!)

The kind of people who go to concierge gyms

The never nude

For whatever reason, some women are scared of their naked bodies. Listen, so am I. But the extent that people go to cover their body, while putting on clothes, is both heroic and disturbing. I’m talking a minimum of 3 towels, stacked onto each other, while she’s maneuvering her bra on.

We all have boobs, we know what they look like.

The nudist/pinup star 

My locker room is pretty big and it’s walk from the far row of lockers to the shower. A few people like to take the walk totally bare. Then after showering, they’ll strut back.
Maybe they’ll get ready nude, which isn’t really a big deal.
The bending over and reaching into a locker gets awkward.
So does the boob lotioning.
So does the hair blow drying.
So does the vagina blow drying (really).

The variation of this person is the girl who gets half dressed and does her hair/makeup clothed from the waist down. Or in just a bra.
I’m nostalgic for this girl, she reminds me of my mom.

The hair salon

The extent to which some girls get ready is staggering. Their accouterments take up a carry on suitcase. They’ve got hot rollers, a curling iron, hair gels (?) and a laptop case of makeup/jewelry.
I’ve seen one lady get ready in the time in took me to work out, shower and get dressed.

The Russians

There are 2 blonde, hot Russian girls at the gym. They’re blonde and are never sweaty. Their makeup never smudges and they spend 20 minutes before every workout talking and drinking tea.
I think they’re strippers.

I’m old

Me: I have to go to a bachelorette party with a bunch of girls this summer. It’s really dress up, in LA.
22 year old co-worker: Like ratchet?
Me: What? I don’t..maybe, no?
22 year old: Sounds like yes.

Movin on up

Major pros of staying at your sister’s swag house:

  • Giant TV for hockey
  • Wearing all her dope clothes and shoes
  • Drinking her husband’s 12 year old scotch whiskey
  • Using their fancy toiletries

Major Cons

  • Sharks losing
  • For some reason, this house has no full length mirror for adults. I have to check my outfit in the reflection of their media cabinet. Or kneel in front of her kids’ mirror.
  • I can’t figure out their master bathroom, so I moved all their fancy bath stuff to the kid’s bathroom

Cribs

Let me give you some advice learned from moving 3 times in 6 months.

1.) Do not move this often, it is stupid.

2.) When moving into an apartment rental, replace curtains right away. Wall coverings take up so much space and you don’t want to live with the previous tenant’s choice of black, yellow or textured chiffon forever.

3.) Sames for the shower curtain. Also, rings > hooks.

4.) Budget for at least $500 in parking tickets.

5.) Plan on losing 6 hours of your life waiting for Comcast.

6.) Prepare to eat in your bed for 2 months, until you get a dining table.

7.) Enjoy wearing the same thing for an unforseen amount of time, because you have no idea where the laundry is.

 

The problem with the most recent episode of Girls isn’t that Lena Dubham is unattractive* and therefore undeserving of hooking up with a hot guy.

It’s that TV is escapism and if I wanted to see a girl who could lose 10 pounds getting after it  with a dubiously appropriate sex partner** I’d look at my ceiling mirror.

*asterisk because I can’t be calling any one unattractive, c’mon. But I’m not down with that grrl power, “conventionally attractive” shit either.

**he was older. But that’s not what made him less than ideal. He’s not appropriate because her character is such a shitshow, her only appropriate hookup partner is like, a handy man she meets on the bus.

xoc:

BLUES PICKLES GOING DOWN FAST

Originally posted on ProHockeyTalk:

Roughly 48 hours after taking Jaroslav Halak off IR and sending Jake Allen to the AHL, the Blues are reversing course.

That’s the story out of St. Louis on Tuesday as the club recalled Allen from the Peoria Rivermen — a move likely related to reports that Halak could miss another week with his groin issue.

RDS’ Renaud Lavoie passes along word that the Slovak netminder will ‘probably’ miss the next seven days (he hasn’t played since Feb. 1) after re-tweaking his groin during warmups prior to Monday’s 4-1 loss to Los Angeles.

Brian Elliott was forced into emergency action (Halak was slated to start against the Kings) and allowed four goals on 23 shots.

An All-Star in 2011-12, Elliott has struggled mightily while Halak’s been shelved — he’s allowed 20 goals on his last 105 shots faced and has been the goalie of record for all of St. Louis’…

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